We are born fearless. Then we hear…

Don’t touch the stove. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t climb too high; you will fall. Don’t go too far, you will get lost. Remember what happened last time?

While all this is good, potentially life-saving advice, it instills in us fears and anxieties even when our lives are not in danger. It is about this fear that I am writing today. When we’re full of fear, we’re living in a past that already happened, or a future that hasn’t arrived. We are not in the present.

But fear not, and keep reading, my friend, because this is a listicle, and who doesn’t love one?

Step 1. Make a list of your fears

I make lists for everything: shopping lists, to-do lists, goal lists, but I will be honest, I have never made a “fear” list.

This advice comes from Dr. Edith Eger, Auschwitz survivor, psychologist, and author of two books, The Choice and The Gift, who sadly passed this year at the age of 98 years old.

Back to the list. Write down everything that you are afraid of.

Reflect on each one and think if that’s a real fear you have or something you inherited or took on. If it is not YOUR fear, cross it off your list, let it go, and visualize it going away from you. I know I inherited a fear of dogs from my mother. She used to run at the sight of a dog, and we ran too. lol.

Step 2. Reflect on your fears

For each remaining fear, decide how realistic it is. For each realistic fear, decide if it causes you distress or stress.

Distress is chronic danger and instability. If you’re living in distress, it is your responsibility to tend to your safety and survival needs. You do all that you can; that is a priority and is vital. If the fear is causing you stress, as much as we dislike being stressed, it can be helpful and even healthy.

Stress might be allowing you to grow, to stretch yourself, to move out of your comfort zone, to be challenged, to reach for help, to connect to others or a higher power, to discover all you can do and be.

Step 3. Time to do something

Next, for each realistic fear, generate a list of things (another list!) you could do today to strengthen yourself and get things done. I don’t think being fearless is doable. But to do what you gotta do anyway, is. What can you DO today to diminish your fear so you can live a most beautiful and meaningful life?

4. Look for small changes

Once upon a time, I used to be spontaneous and free-spirited. Once you have children and a gazillion responsibilities, it is very easy to fall under the heaviness of it all. Am I alone in this? Another reminder can never hurt; life is not set in stone. Change things up.

Do something different, visit a place you’ve never been before, try foods you’ve never tasted, talk to strangers, go someplace by yourself, be random, be curious, be alive. It will train your brain to be comfortable with change and uncertainty, and open your mind to new possibilities.

5. Use powerful words

I can. I want. I’m willing. I will. Nothing is more powerful than these words.

“I can’t” means I won’t do it.

“I need” and “I should” mean I have to do it; I don’t have a choice.

I’m trying is a big lie we tell ourselves. Fear has a language of its own. Be mindful of your words. I can. I want. I’m willing. I am. I choose. 

A question I love is:

What would you do with your life if you knew you could do anything and not fail?

Go and do that thing because chances are:

1. You will succeed and not fail.
2. You will succeed way beyond your expectations
3. You will succeed partially, which is way better than total failure
4. You will fail, but you can learn from the mistakes and try again in a different way, and you may succeed tremendously
5. You will fail and give up on it while you gain experience and a deeper understanding of the matter, which is definitely a gain.   
6. Now go and make it happen.