When I searched for an image that would describe someone “captivating”, Princess Diana was the first person who came to mind.
She was beautiful and elegant, no doubt, but there was something else that made her special; she was captivating.
The good news is that we can all learn to be captivating, and no diamond tiara will be necessary.
In the book Captivate — The Science of Succeeding with People, Vanessa Van Edwards teaches everything you need to know to become the most attractive and charming self.
In short, these are 14 hacks for captivating people.
Hack #1: The Social Game Plan
Know where you shine; for some people, it may be in one-on-one personal interactions, for others, in a dark room on a stage.
Say no to what doesn’t work for you.
Hack #2: Use body language to your advantage
- Use your hands while talking
- Hold your shoulders down and back
- Keep your chin, chest and forehead straight or slightly up
- Keep space between arms and torso
- Don’t be afraid to take space, don’t close up
- Make sure your hands are visible
- Keep eye contact with brief interruptions
Hack 3#: Use conversational sparks
“Hi, how are you? Where are you from? What do you do for work?”
Boriiingggg.
Instead, try this. “Working on anything exciting these days?”
Instead of “How’s it going?”, ask, “Any fun things planned for the weekend?”
Instead of “Busy today?”, you can ask, “What do you like doing to unwind?”
Hack #4: Be a highlighter
Highlight people’s strengths, give positive feedback, comments, and compliments.
When introducing someone, compliment them. For example, “Let me introduce you to my friend Sara, she is an extraordinary teacher and artist.”
Hack #5: The Thread Theory
When meeting people, look for similarities, common interests, and mutual friends. We like people who are like us. The more you have in common, the more you will be liked and like people in return.
“Me too” and “same” are small words, but they show us our shared qualities, needs and aspirations.
Hack #6: Pay attention to others
We tend to think that if we make ourselves interesting, other people will be drawn to us. The opposite is true. When we take an interest in others, they perceive us as highly interesting and likable.
When interacting with others, stop worrying about how you look and sound, what they are thinking of you ( chances are, nobody is), and focus on the person in front of you. Listen attentively, try to decode what they are feeling and what they need at the moment, and how you can help.
You will be magnetic to them.
Hack #7: The Big Five
This is a hard one, and books could be written on this topic alone.
In a nutshell, all human beings can be found on a continuum for the Big Five personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism.
If you can decode whether someone is high or low on the big five traits, you will be able to relate to them in a way that will fascinate and attract them to you.
Hack #8: The Appreciation Matrix
How does this person feel appreciated?
What is his love language?
Crack the appreciation code, and people will glue to you.
Hack #9: Discover their primary value
Again, the art of captivating people is the art of getting to know people.
Discover:
- What’s their main motivation for everything they do?
- How do they make decisions?
- What do they desire more than anything?
Hack #10: The Story
Do you want to captivate?
Tell a story.
Hack #11: Learn how to ask
2 simple tips:
- When asking for something, give a reason why you are asking, even if it’s a silly reason; you are more likely to get a “yes” from the other person.
- When asking for someone to do something, attach your request to a skill. For example, ask “Is anyone good at…”, or “Do you know anything about…”, or “ I need someone strong to…”
Hack #12: The Franklin Effect
Legend has it that President Franklin transformed a political enemy into an ally by asking to borrow a book.
Contrary to popular belief, we are not attractive when we act like we don’t need anyone and have it all figured out.
Asking for favours and advice will bring you closer to people.
Check out this article I wrote about the Art of Receiving:
Who Do You Become When You Learn to Receive? – ChanyZagury.com
Hack #13: The NUT Job
When someone shares something important with you,
N — name the emotion the person is feeling ( Ask for confirmation if you are not sure).
U — understand ( Get as much information as possible, help them process it, identify their primary value and why this piece of information is important to them).
T — transform ( How can I help? What needs to happen for you to feel better? What can I do for you right now?
To them, you will be very captivating and attractive; they won’t be able to get enough of you.
Hack #14: Smile
Can you guess that I added this one? Vanessa Van Edwards has a lot to say about smiling, but she didn’t add it to this specific list of hacks.
If you ask me, smiling is one of the most powerful human forces.
It expresses so much without uttering a word.
It’s heart-warming even in the absence of a touch or embrace.
It radiates self-confidence and happiness.
It’s almost impossible not to smile back when someone smiles at you.
Say cheese. And watch your likeability soar.
Hack #15: Attunement
Every human being wants to feel liked, wanted and known.
If you can make people feel this way, you have won the popularity lottery and will be liked, wanted, and known in return.
We think that if we are funny, strong, cool or pretty, people will like us. Maybe we will get attention, but it won’t make us feel loved.
Do you want to be liked? Like others genuinely.
Do you want to feel loved? Love unconditionally.
We enjoy being with people who enjoy being with us.
That is human nature.
No need to play games, to expose yourself mindlessly, or to pretend you are something you are not.
Just a desire to see, know, and connect to others through our truest humanity.
